Horny Older Man
There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."
EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
The Horny Husband's PlotA husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with
4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
LAUGH OUT LOUD
*If you have a Sexy Funny Joke or Story please submit to tisapowell@pureromance.com and I may add it to my LOL page.
Funny Quotes
TWO OR FOUR LANES
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Do not drink and drive
or u might spill the drink.
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Girls want a lot of things from one guy.
Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
Some say the glass is half full; some say the glass is half empty.
I say “Are you gonna drink that?”
Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so whats the point of practicing?
Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together?
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
and the other is the husband!
Never steal.
The government hates competition.
Save water and shower together.
When you get old and your kids ask
where all the money went, show
them the vacation videos.
Needed Some Ironing
At a nursing home, there are two very old men who sit on the porch all day and reminisce together about the old days.
They don't realize it, but they have attracted the attention of two elderly women who walk by them. But the ladies go unnoticed due partially to the mens' conversation and bad sight.
The women decide to really get the mens' attention and walk by them naked the next day.
One man turns to the other and says:
"Did you see that?"
The other replies," Sure did."
"What was it?"
"I don't know, but it sure could have used some ironing."
Shot Glass
A man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y'see that cup over there? I'll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!" The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender's laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
"Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"
And the first guy says, "'Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh about it!"
